Hope

To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

The road that we have traveled over the past year and a half has been rough (to say the least). It has been the most trying time that I have ever faced. I recently read a blog that talked about being "thankful" for things that seem impossible to be thankful for. (She has since deleted the post or I would link you to it. The blog post was on Bring the Rain and some of you may have caught it before she deleted it. She is wonderfully transparent and real) It was one of the most touching blogs that I have read in a long time. (and the comments..... wow.... they just broke my heart.)

The idea was basically Fake it till you make it! She challenged us to write down something that we were NOT thankful for but wanted to be, something that we wanted to praise God for but couldn't, a silver lining that we knew had to be there somewhere, but we haven't found it yet. (These are my words not hers. This is what I heard in my heart as I read her blog.) As I scrolled through the comments I read of divorces, lost children, death, sicknesses, hurt after hurt after hurt. Some that I read went like this:

Thank you God for the father of my children who abandoned us this year.

Thank you God for my 3rd miscarriage.

Thank you God for the death of my Mom.

Thank you God for my cancer.

As I began to read the tears began to flow. These comments were from women who were hurting, and reaching out, grasping on to hope. Hope, that someway, somehow they would one day be truly Thankful. But today, they just weren't there. The comment that stuck out to be the most was one that said : Thank you God for 2000.

It hit home..... because mine would say 2008.

This has been the hardest year of my life. My head knows that God has used all that we have gone through to bring glory to him and because of that I desperately want to be THANKFUL, but my heart is feeling something a little different. My heart still feels the sting of all the things that have gone wrong.

When I think back over the past year I feel like I have lived out a Lifetime movie. (Minus the drug addicted neighbor who decides to kill the teacher who was sleeping with the judge who convicted her brother of armed robbery at the local supermarket where the cashier worked who sold her her drugs :-)(sorry I have an active imagination)

I am convinced that someday I must "Fake it till I make it". Some days I must choose to be thankful even when I am not feelin' it. Like when I am sick again, or when our house is sold in a foreclosure auction, or when ends don't meet again, I will choose to be thankful, even if I have to fake it a little.

One day my heart and my head will agree on this subject, but for now I will place my hope in God, who promises to help me when I am weak.

Romans 8:26-28 (NLT)
26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

There is a song that God uses (almost everyday) to speak to my hurt. It is by Addison Road called Hope Now. I find my self in tears all to often as I sing the words:

When I call out Your name

Something inside awakes in my soul

How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I think that we often forget that we are His. It is amazing to me what happens when we call out his name. I may not be able to always be thankful for situations that come, but I am thankful for a God who gives us hope. For a God who uses evil for good. For a God who knows that one day I will be thankful for all that we have been through, and who patiently waits for me to arrive. The song goes on to say: I am not my own, I have been carried by you all my life. Everything rides on Hope now. Everything rides on faith somehow, when the world has broken me down, your love sets me free.

Thank you God for loving me and being my shelter from the storm. Thank you for being my hope, because your love has truly set us free.

and

Thank you God for 2008.

**Update- This seemed like a real downer blog, but that wasn't how I meant it. Things are definitely, hopefully :-) moving in a good direction. We healing and moving forward. I am so grateful that God has protected our family through all of this. We can definitely see where He has held us close.