Changed in 1996

Today is always an interesting day for me emotionally. I am happy and excited to see my beautiful girls turn 1 year older. But it is also a day that I tend to stop (if only for a moment) and remember the chain of events that led to Oct. 31, 1996.
My heart becomes sad and my emotions raw. Then I wonder... "do I feel like this because I have not let go? Or because I have not forgiven?" But I don't think so. I feel like this because I am simply acknowledging the place that God brought me from to where I am now. And I remember that was the day that I learned the true meaning of grace. God loved me enough (though completely undeserving) to gift me with 2 beautiful baby girls.
And then my brief moment of sadness ends and it is replaced with relief. My girls and I lived through a moment in our lives that could have defined us all completely. But instead, that moment was just 1 building block on who we are and who we will become. Through that 1 moment God has placed a burning passion in my heart to help those who can not help themselves. (the weak, the young, the sick) And I know that is because, we were once those people.
Everyone doesn't have the type of family around them like we did, everyone is not supported and loved through a teenage pregnancy. I wonder how different our world would be if people felt loved, truly loved, when they made bad choices. I bet alot would change, and I am sure that abortion #'s would change, and divorce rates would drop. (I know enough enough:-)
So I am off to enjoy a birthday that has meaning much deeper than a layer of icing or the wrapping on a package. To enjoy the celebrating of a day that 12 years ago sparked a passion, to love people differently. To love without judging, to love without needing a payoff, to hopefully love as Christ loves us. God used my girls to radically change me and the way I see others. I am sure that is why I now have a God sized hole in my heart that only He can fill with a life in ministry.

Girls,
Happy Birthday. Thank you for changing me in ways that you may never understand. Thank you for giving me a new life to live and a new reason for living it. The choices that I made in my life that led to you being born can never be changed. I can not erase the past, I can only use it for God's glory. God took a broken time in my life and healed my circumstances through your birth. You all are blessing beyond my wildest imagination. God made you perfect and with perfect plan laid out for your lives. I pray that you always seek him and trust that it is all for His glory. Happy Birthday my beautiful 12 year olds.


Oh God, you are mighty and just. You have loved me unconditionally in a way like none other. You used two wonderful little people to mold my life into something that I would have never dreamed. You used my circumstances to ignite a passion. You caused me to love differently, completely. You have provided a family and a Husband that is greater than words can express. And you loved me enough to save me from the certain death of my sins. Thank you for the cross. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for trusting me enough to be a parent. And thank you that when I screw up, you forgive me over and over again. I pray for my Girls today. I pray that you will hold them close and protect them. God I pray that you give them passion and purpose to live for you. And I thank you for all that I have been through, because it has led me to where I am. You are good.

Family Night #3 Hawaiian Night

We had a great family night last night. Here is the Blog.

Thank you

If you have ever been through tough times (like we are right now) then you understand. You understand what it is like to have to lay your pride down and accept help, prayers, love, attention and so on and so on. Some of these are easier than others. I am a person who never gives up or gives in.
(Except when I know it is a fight I can't win, or a game with no winners, or Hubby is too smart and I can't get any of the answers on Jeopardy before him) sorry I digress.

Point is ... I am a fighter. It takes alot for me to ask for help.

But God is changing that.

This is not a "rainy, pouty, I'm so sad ...Eeyore" post. But instead this blog is about how God is shining through our circumstances. I read once that you can only see a rainbow when it rains. (hmmm, God is a much better therapist than Dr.Phil)

As we have moved from state to state, city to city, church to church, God has allowed us to meet some of the most amazing people. (and some I wish I could forget ;-) And some, we are even lucky enough to tag as friends.

A friend once tried to help me and I said "no thanks" and in his wisdom He said, "God has laid it on our hearts to help you. If you don't let us then you are stopping the blessing for both of us."

From then on I have learned.... accept help. What if you prayed that God would give you someone to help today....and when that person came along, they said no thanks.

As our family is traveling down this tough road, there are people who have listen when God said "Help them", "Pray for them", "Call them". I can't say that one act has meant more than another, because they are all wonderful and in perfect timing. Our hearts are full, our family is great, and our hope is in Him; simply because each of you were the hands and feet of Christ, to us.

Each of you, and you know who you are,(one day when I write my book I will list you off) are our family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for carrying us in your prayers when we can't carry ourselves. Thank you calling at just the right time, to say "we love you". Thank you for giving financially in ways that have blown our minds.

God thank you for the gift of friendship. Thank you for allowing us the opportunities to have wonderful families by blood and some we call family by choice. God, your love is amazing. You constantly provide for our every need. I pray that one day we will be gifted with the opportunity to return the blessings to our family and friends in the ways that they have blessed us. Thank you for life. Thank you for allowing me to live it among such wonderful people.

Thank you for the rain.... because the rainbow is proving to be sooooo beautiful.

Life with Ambian

Ok I must say sorry for the last blog I wrote.
Because I don't remember writing it.
I occasionally take ambian to help me sleep, when I am jacked up on prednisone or jacked up on stress. (Either one keeps me from sleeping) But the down side is that about 15 minutes after I take it, I don't remember much. I am very cautious to only take it when I am "safe" and at home. Hubby has many funny stories about conversations that I have had, food that I have eaten, and now we can testify to blogs that I have written. Somewhere in my mind I vaguely remember writing it. In fact I remember it like I dreamed it. I even remember yesterday thinking , "Hmm that would be a great blog to ask people about what kind of animal they would be?" Apparently I would be a giraffe. ???? OK... sure why not.
If you were unfortunate enough to read it.... then I am sorry. The great thing is that blogger has this wonderful little button DELETE.

Life would be no fun if you couldn't laugh at your self.

Mike, yes... I watch the Mentalist. :-) and I thought that part of the show was really ineresting. Apparently so interesting that it made me write about it.

Heavy heart

This past week I have had a very heavy heart. I found that I love the ministry opportunities the my store allows, but I ache to be home. I am trying to find a way to reconcile those two things. Obviously I have to be at work right now, but when that day comes that I get to be back home, how do I deal with the ache to reach out to hurting people? In the right church environment "ministry" outwards can be done well, God glorifying, and be full filling. But in the wrong church environment "ministry" becomes about programing and country clubbing. We have been there done that and my heart can't take being a part of a bench warming church again. I know that God knows that and I know that he has the perfect place set aside for us to serve. As those "moments" walk through the door of my store, I have learned to cherish them. And as those "mommy moments" come as I walk through the door of my home, I have learned to cherish those even more.

So tonight my heart is heavy. But not heavy because off lack of money, high stress, sickness, lack of job, the economy, or the election. It is heavy because there is a big gaping hole in the middle of it. A ministry size hole that only the right church can fill.

God please open the doors of the right church for Hubby to be on staff at. Please meet our heart needs to love people and share your love with people. God please ease my burdens and carry my heart.

9

I used to wonder when my marriage would finally be normal. You know when a couple gets to that point when they are past the mushy feeling, emotional roller coaster and real life begins. I used to long for a time to come when we would just know what the other was thinking without having to ask. A time when we could finish each other's sentences. In some ways I longed for a marriage that some might call dull and routine. I longed for that "old pair of jeans" kind of feelin'.

I know that one could do an entire thesis on my emotions and yes I could probably even land my self on a Dr. Phil episode (maybe even a full week) and he could "Dr.Phil" my emotions and feelings to death. I am sure He would use all of his one liners like:
“You can't change what you don't acknowledge.”
“We teach people how to treat us.”
“It's time to get real!”
“Are you doing what you're doing today because you want to do it, or because it's what you were doing yesterday?”

But the fact is... dull and boring was a fairytale that I was chasing.
But somewhere in the past 9 years I realized that we will never hit dull and boring. Maybe it was after the second set of twins that I questioned,"what is normal, anyway?" And I realized that real life is something that we have always had that is why it never had to BEGIN. Our marriage has always had that "old pair of jeans" feelin'. I just hadn't grown into them yet. After 9 years my jeans fit pretty good. And in fact I feel pretty sexy in them (hmm, where did that come from?? anyway...)
Though the past 9 years have not been the most perfect... but they have been a perfect fit for us. I could not have dreamed up the stories that we have lived through. (both good and bad) God has shown me that not only is He the God of all, the designer of everything, and perfectly loving, but He is also absolutely hysterical. He knows exactly how much we can survive and at what point we will be declared insane.

God , thank you for loving me enough to create someone for me to share my life with. Thank you for giving me a husband to love me through my past and to love me into our future. Thank you for giving me a best friend to endure all of the hardships of life . And thank you for giving me a husband to laugh at ...I mean with.






Steven,
Thank you for loving me for this short 9 years. Thank you for always laughing with me at this insanity we call our life. (and for laughing at my hiking boots that day) You truly are the other side of me. You keep me on track when I seem to loose my way. And most of all... your love paints a picture of how Christ loves the church. Thank you for living Ephesians 5:25-33. I Love you. Happy Anniversary.


25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


PS Sorry about the cheesey video. I was only after the song.

Apples apples apples

Yesterday we took advantage of a rare opportunity and hit the road for a short day trip. We went to an apple orchard and picked apples. It was an absolutely beautiful day. The drive took us about 1 hour 15 minutes, but no one seemed to mind. The orchard is on top of a mountain, with a breath taking view. The kiddos seemed to love picking apples. I think that was partly because you could eat your way through the orchard. What could be better then getting to pick your snack right off the tree? (except getting to pee in the grass next to the car.) It was a day full of the kind of rest and relaxation that makes you exhausted. You know how you feel after vacation? How you just need to rest. Yesterday was supposed to be family night (complete with a theme and menu) but we threw that out the window and enjoyed a family day with an apple theme. Here are some pictures.


Much love to you all.

Stories

This week has consisted of a yelling pastor, a woman whose nephew was just diagnosed with leukemia, a catholic man who just discovered new life, and a recovering addict trying desperately to stay clean.

Of all of these stories I am not sure which one has affected me the most.

The Pastor was yelling, he was rude and he was condescending. He reminded me of the fact that Pastors are human. He also reminded me that sometimes Pastors forget that they are human. Many times they wear the "I'm Entitled" crown. BUT Some pastors are the most gentle people, with servants hearts, and LOVE people. But some are NOT.

The woman whose nephew had just been diagnosed with leukemia was obviously sad. But she was angry and fearful as well. She sat in front of me and wept for a life that she may loose. This precious 6 year old may not make it to 7, but her hope was in a God who could heal him immediately if it was His will.

The Catholic man was the most excited of all the people. He had recently been to a church unlike any he had ever attended. He had grown up Catholic and that is all he had ever known. The repeated prayers, the formal dress, the confessions, the same thing every week (all his words not mine). His wife had been attending a new church but he didn't want any part of it. Finally he gave in and went with her. He said that the lack of "dress code" made him a little uncomfortable (since that is all he had ever known) but when the Pastor explained to him that "dress" was the least of their concerns. Heart and worship have nothing to do with what you wear. He was buying a new Bible for both he and his wife and he couldn't wait to for Sunday.

The last woman came in asking for an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) book. She quickly explained how she had given her book away to someone who she thought needed it more. But now she was desperately in need of help. As she spoke to me I noticed that she had begun to sweat. She said, "I need one of those books and I can't wait until 7:30 tonight at my NA meeting to get a new one because I need it now." By this point she was weeping. Telling me how she is trying so hard to make it, how she is trying to take one step at a time, but today was proving to be too hard. I showed her a couple of books on addiction and then a Bible that is dedicated to the 12 step program. She desperately snatched the bible from my hands and said "I'll take this one".
As she paid for the bible she was able to force a slight smile and then she left. It broke my heart to realize that her NA meeting was only 4 hours away, but to her, that 4 hours was threatening her very life.

The absolute best part of my job is the people I meet and the stories that they tell. God uses each one of these people to impact my life in profound ways. It is daunting for me to sit here in my chair tonight and remember these people and their lives. To think through the fact that they are still living their stories despite the fact that I have clocked out. I pray that I will never forget them or the stories that their lives have told me.