God.... What are you up to this time?

In my last blog we were just small steps from leaving on our trip to Guatemala. My excitement was high and preparations were complete. Friday I picked my mom up at the airport so that she could stay with our children for half of the time we were gone and then Tuesday Hubby's parents were coming to stay the rest of the time. Friday "day" went pretty good, I rested most of the morning just to save as much energy as possible. All of my packing was complete. Suitcase zipped. Instructions for the house/kids complete. Friday evening things started to get a little rough. My stomach was a little crampy so I went on to bed, hoping that it was just "all" that I had been doing. We had to meet our team at 3:15a.m. to leave for the airport, so our plan was to be up around 2:15a.m.
And then it hit... Around 11pm I started throwing up and feeling pretty bad. I began to pray that God would make a decision for me. I prayed that if I wasn't supposed to go on this trip that he would let me get sicker so that I would know for sure. I didn't want any guessing about this one. (Am I supposed to go, am I not, am I supposed to go, or not) Within about 10 minutes I was curled up in the bed in pain. Soon enough a high fever (105 or so) and shakes that were out of control. I couldn't keep anything down. I turned to hubby and said that I couldn't go to Guatemala. After he took my temperature he said he couldn't either. So instead of meeting our team at 3:15a.m. we met doctors in the E.R. By the time we got there my temp was 103.6 and a heart rate of 185. It took a little time but they finally got everything under control. They decided to admit me and now..... 5 days later..... I am finally home. In the end, the diagnosis was a Crohn's flare up.
Through all of this we have seen God's hand of protection in a huge way. I am so thankful for his timing. My house and the kids have been perfectly taken care of because of our plans to be on the mission trip. Had all of this happen 12 hours later we would have been in a 3rd would country 3 hours from a hospital.
It is very hard for me to try to wrap my mind around our lives right now. Alot of things that seemed stable a dependable are now not. Nine months ago my health was great & leaving our church didn't even seem like a possibility. Though financially things have been uncertain for a while with the church, leaving wasn't even in our realm of thinking. But now here we sit with my health being crazy, Hubby's job ending in 1 month, a dreamed mission trip undone, a house to sell, a job to find, a house to buy, a city to move to, and lives that will change drastically AGAIN!
In my mind I laugh and think "God, you must be living in your own world doing your own thing. Because I don't get it. I don't understand what in the world you are up to."
Yes I know..... stupid thoughts from a stupid girl.
The reality of it all is... that it is normally me trying to live in my own world and do my own thing. And I am not supposed to know what He is up to. Faith is hard sometimes. Faith is easy when nothing tests it. I read recently about blind faith. This is a line that stood out to me the most.
If we truly know Him, then we will see His character and know that He loves us and that His word is true. This is not blind faith it is faith based on proof that is all around us.
The proof around me is GRAND! God has done more than a million blogs could ever list. He has taken care of us in unimaginable ways. I don't need to have blind faith.
When I have short term memory loss and confusion and I forget that the God of the Universe holds my life gently in the palm of His hand, I ask stupid questions.

God forgive me for my questioning your infinite wisdom and perfect plan. Thank you for holding my life in your hands and carrying me through this journey. Though I wish I was in Guatemala, I know that your plan is perfect and one day I will have that experience. I trust that at the right time you will allow me to follow the dream of missions that you have engraved on my heart. I do not know the next steps that you have laid for us, but I trust that you will cradle us and hold us tightly in each moment.